|I like the Aussies.
“One of Americaís finest, Corporal
George Zwicki, Ossining, New York, shares a delectable kangaroo
haunch with Clara Bunseath at the 79th Annual Queensland Council
of Garden Clubs Joey Roast, under clear skies at the Mt. Coot-tha
Botanic Gardens.” (source: The Queensland Independent, Brisbane,
18 December 1943).
Yes, I do. I like them because they appear to be the only folks on the
planet that still like us. (They, and three of Tony Blairís kids). And
the amazing thing is that they still like us even after our GIs went down
there in WWII and married every available woman in the whole damn country.
No, really, how would you like to come home after years of eating sand,
dodging Stukas, and kicking Rommelís butt, only to find that the one eligible
woman left in the whole town is 63 years old, is the corresponding secretary
of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, and spends her nights practicing
at the piano so she can pound out hymns at the Anglican Church on Sundays?
Oh, and I like the Aussies because they are unafraid of their fish names.
A quick glance through "A. Williams and N. J. Bax. 2001. Delineating fish-habitat
associations for spatially based management: an example from the south-eastern
Australian continental shelf. Marine and Freshwater Research 52:513-536"
proves that point. For here, amidst the Australian Angel Shark, the New
Zealand Dory and the Deepwater Gurnard are the Coffin Ray, Coffinfish,
Tasmanian Numbfish, Swollenhead Conger, Bastard Red Cod, Bastard Trumpeter,
Bigbelly Seahorse, Old Wife, Common Stinkfish, Spotted Stinkfish, and
I would posit that these names would find heavy sledding indeed in the
In fact, I assume that once the word got out, the following organizations
would make known their displeasure.
Coffin Ray, Coffinfish - American League of People Who Bury Dead
Other People After They Have Been Cremated and Hence Do Not Use Coffins
Tasmanian Numbfish - American League of People Who Cannot Feel
Their Extremities Because They Have Hansenís Disease
Swollenhead Conger - American League of People that have, Through
No Fault of their Own, Contracted Elephantiasis
Bastard Red Cod, Bastard Trumpeter - American League of Ichthyologists
Who, Through No Fault of Their Own, Were Born Out-of-Wedlock
Bigbelly Seahorse - American League for the Metabolically Challenged
Old Wife - American League of Wives Who, Through No Fault of Their
Own, are Old
Common Stinkfish, Spotted Stinkfish - American League of People
Who Only Bathe on Saintsí Days Whose Names, the Saints that is and not
the People, Begin with the Letter "Q"
Chinaman Leatherjacket - American League of People Who are Opposed
to the Name Chinaman Leatherjacket
There would be the requisite protests, the requisite letters to the editor,
and the requisite talk show outbursts. At a press conference, the President
would be asked the Administrationís policy on the Common Stinkfish controversy.
The President would side step the issue by declaring war on Bhutan.
And, inevitably, there would be a series of painfully labored meetings
of august, frizzy-browed, ichthyological savants sitting around a lone
bunsen burner, sipping lab alcohol from cunningly fashioned beakers, and
pondering the potential for the Decline of Western Civilization through
allowing a fish name to remain in place.
And the Common Stinkfish would become the Spicily Aromatic Gaboon, the
Bigbelly Seahorse would become the Giant Economy Sized Seahorse, the Old
Wife would become the Golden Years Significant Other Fish and so on. And
the Chinamen leatherjacket? The savants would suggest the species be overfished
to extinction, thus neatly sidestepping the issue.
Bizarrely, in Australia none of this seems to have occurred.
Thatís it. No moral here.
Oh, and I still like the Aussies.